one of my english papers...

Serious George

One battlefield is as disparaging as the next when a soldier skirts the frontlines of war. So when George W. Bush, the country’s self-proclaimed “Chief of War,” chose his and Cheney’s own undeveloped strategies over a cogent plan proposed by vociferous war protesters, many cries of outrage followed his declaration of an extension of the minimum service time in Baghdad, where foreign policies are still in shambles and the many disgruntled citizens outnumber U.S. troops hundred-to-one. He then asked that Congress sign the bill, and afterwards drowned out the plaintively cries of liberal Representatives present at the White House meeting with a flowery, bombastic speech proposing the army use HelloKitty- and PowerPuffGirl-themed bandages to raise morale. (The speech will be aired on CNN tonight.)

Later that day, Bush traveled to an undisclosed black ghetto to attend a reggae concert that espoused revolutionary means to overthrowing stable, Democratic governments.

Living off the profits of large oil companies, like many politicians today, the president is a native of Jamaica—for Bush, a political playground of music and dry bob-sledding where, he recalled once on a FOX News interview, “you’d have a monkey living next to a baboon … and when we had tea parties, they would always bring the bananas.” Not long ago, while campaigning in the Jamaica’s capital for a government office, Bush uncovered classified information directly relating a half-bald politician to the new war in Iraq, and for unknown reasons demanded the man’s phone be tapped. In time, Bush joined forces with the Republican, Dick Cheney, to win the U.S. presidential election of 2000. Cheney quickly proved himself invaluable by teaching Bush how to address the CIA’s 9/11 questions, using the carefully politic phrase, “I don’t know.”

According to Cheney, something very suave, like invading a dictator-run Mid-Eastern country, is the two’s idea of a frivolous night out.

But even as a serious political leader, Bush does not deny his Jamaican roots. Throughout the signing of the war bill he sang “Iron, Like a Lion, In Zion,” surprising several foreign ambassadors in the oval office with a powerful demonstration of vocals and foot-tapping as he initialed the bill extending service time in Iraq. Dressed magnificently in a ruffled shirt (sleeves up), Curious George boxers (from his mother), and sneakers—he is not a man without style—Bush then left the meeting with a shout of “Oi! Watch this!” as he wheeled out the doors on the presidential scooter, which was paid for with tax revenues.

However, for all his soul, the president showed no concern for returning war vets, who, when the bill comes into effect, will be turned around and sent swiftly back to the hellish frontlines once more. “It was really just a function of the least amount of work for me,” Bush admitted later, of the decision to extend the stays. In answer to questions at a follow-up press conference, Bush made liberal use of the phrase “That’s classified.” Still later, just before leaving, the president finally came clean: “I can’t answer your questions because I just don’t know. I’m the guy that just hangs around the oval office, signing things.” 

Bush’s antics may put one in mind of a monkey—his favorite animal—but on this point the president informed the media that monkeys, and their closely-related primates, are restricted to Cabinet offices, positions that require “dexterously-thumbed ninjas diagnosed with serious-to-severe Blackberry addictions.” Currently, the president’s core coterie consists of pizza-delivery men and retired sitcom extras, who “smell deliciously like a foreign ambassador’s favorite dish and [who] can mimic seriousness in the case of an ‘international dinner’ debacle when the ambassador turns out to be allergic.” This leaves Bush to play the fearless leader.

On the issue of global warming, Bush stands firm. Last month, the group attended an international convention in Japan to support the non-signing of the Kyoto Protocol. On his return to D.C., Bush decided to celebrate inaction in action at a Japanese karaoke bar (instead of the presidential karaoke bar in the west wing, where the president’s personal world-renowned Western-themed saloon serves an international menu of crows’ feet). Bush claimed not using his tax-paid Hummer3 would have spared the atmosphere from further carbon dioxide poisoning, which through global warming causes higher average temperatures. His reason: “Global warming makes D.C. feel more like Texas.”

Some hours after the bill signing, Bush was asked to comment on the week’s popularity polls (for the record, this does not happen often). His outlook: “It’s not bad.” One source says Bush’s earlier comment was to that of “the thick red line, doing the limbo under the .02% mark,” representing Bush/Cheney’s record-high poll ratings from the past two terms. Bush’s second comment regarding the polls: “It’s a good thing them illegal aliens don’t have the right to vote.” To this, Cheney denied further comment.

The polls were released Thursday, but were allegedly stolen by a terrorist gorilla group protesting the Kyoto Protocol. CS investigators are analyzing a single glove found inside the filling office, and police are on the lookout for a man possibly named “Orange Juice.”

Although full of upbeat optimism, Bush admits the rating reports have “hurt his feelings.” In response to a witness who claims to have seen the president “chucking reports out of windows, off roofs, and into garbage bins,” Bush gives an explanation. “I know it sounds childish outside of context,” he said Tuesday. “But we get hate mail every day.”